eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(
just blow him with soup in your mouth.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
