community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
I have aggressive nipples.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
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