so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
