I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
