I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
