she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
Since he's sober and out of jail, he acts like we are the worst people on Earth. Fuck him, the only acceptable time in life to do coke is the early twenties. He won't take that from us.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
