I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
Randomize
