New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
My day so far: morning after pill and pancakes. Living the dream.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Randomize
