Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
