Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
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