The maid of honor just puked.
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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