I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
