I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
