Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Your penis caused this!
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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