My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
