I cannot find my penis.
Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
Randomize
