She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
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