Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
She did what?
Who. The correct term is she did who.
Did you see him? The correct term is definitely what.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Randomize
