You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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