I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
so "excuse the stench" wasn't the correct thing to say when your boyfriend's parents walk in on you shitting. Live and learn
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
