Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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