my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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