ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
