Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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