the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
