Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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