At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
I bet Billy Ray Cyrus wishes he had pulled out now....
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
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