we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Use "feeling words"
Yay
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
