Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
