So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
