Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
The size of her hoop earrings are directly related to how much of a slut she is.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
