Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
