i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Randomize
