I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
