I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
