I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
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