omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
Randomize
