I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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