just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
My dad just said "fuck circus"
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
