A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
Randomize
