Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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