She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
