there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Randomize
