walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
