Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
