If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
