I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
