Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
