glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
