We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
