I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
