my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
You were trust falling into bushes
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
Randomize
